Abuse victims need the community
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Domestic violence impacts far more people than one may think. All too often, the signs of domestic abuse go unnoticed by friends, family and co-workers. Domestic abusers are some of the most manipulative offenders and usually convince their community they are decent and honorable. Victims often suffer physical injuries on places of their bodies not viewable by others. This is intentional.
The bruises and other physical injuries from the beatings and/or sexual violence may not be readily apparent to most – but they are certainly there – and we must be better at checking in with loved ones who may be in abusive relationships.
Many victims say the emotional abuse is equal to or greater than the physical violence. But abusers don’t abuse on the first date. Their chameleon-like abilities enable them to appear respectable. Over time, they seek to achieve more and more power and control over their victim. This is often done by demeaning the victim and cutting him/her off from friends and family. Offenders are often extremely jealous of the victim’s friendships and other relationships. Abusers’ emotions pendulate swiftly from charming and loving to rage and wrath. All the while the victim wonders if the abuser is right about them. “Maybe I am stupid. Maybe I am lazy.” This, too, is intentional and is a key step for the offender to gain more control over the victim.
Questions to consider:
- Does your friend or family member no longer associate with you (or substantially less frequently) now that he/she is in a relationship?
- Is he/she unable to make a decision without checking with their partner?
- Does your friend or family member’s partner seem to always be around?
- Does he/she dress differently than before their relationship?
- Does he/she have a more limited access to finances?
- Does he/she no longer seem as confident to address life’s challenges?
If you answered yes to any of the questions above, then check in with your loved one. They may not tell you the truth at first, but you should keep checking on them, keep reminding them that you’re there for when they are ready to talk or act.
In nearly every case of domestic violence, victims are embarrassed and ashamed. This is due, in part, to the emotional abuse, but it also stems from the dismay of finding themselves in a violent relationship they never thought possible. It is far more likely than most would believe. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in four women and one in seven men will experience physical violence from their intimate partner. The violence takes on a cyclical pattern, with the offender’s conduct moving from explosive violence to a honeymoon stage full of expressions of sorrow and promises for change. Eventually, this calm period transitions to a period of increasing tension where the victim starts to become fearful of what’s to come. And finally, the storm of physical violence returns.
In honor of October’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month, let us all increase our awareness about domestic violence within our own communities. May we become more determined to reach out to those whose behaviors signal that may be a victim of domestic violence.
If you or a loved one needs help, you can contact your local crisis shelter or the domestic violence hotline 1.800.799.SAFE (7233). Go to https://www.thehotline.org/ for more information. Call, chat and text support are available in English and Spanish.